Caregiving From a Distance

Far from Mom and Dad?

Many of my friends in the plus 40 crowd tell me about their ongoing challenges in dealing with their aging parents.  One friend, Cindy, in particular told me yesterday…

“You are blessed, ” she said, “if your parents are still living. If you are truly blessed, your parents live nearby.”

Cindy is blessed, but she misses being truly blessed because her parents live in Dallas.   One move after another, Cindy’s parents moved from Anchorage to Dallas, with a daughter in Seattle and son in Quebec. No one was close-by to check in on them and help with daily chores.

Cindy’s parents are in their late 80s.  Her parents are typical, and have lost friends to moves into nursing homes, assisted living, and sadly, some have passed away.   Her parents still prefer living in their own home (blessed), but without needed care, nearby (not-so-blessed).

The National Institute on Aging has concluded there may be approximately 7 million long-distance caregivers within our borders.  Somehow, thru random life events, the children find themselves far away from aging parents or loved ones who could benefit from family assistance.

So the question is what can you do to support parents or elderly friends who are not in close proximity?

How do others solve this problem?

The first step is to lay out a clear direction of what are the top priorities. It is possible, you may be able to bring up this subject directly with your parent or loved one (extremely blessed); however, don’t have that expectation, because most elderly parents are in denial of their current situation.

Cindy’s parents avoided talking with her about their concerns because of the distance.   They did not want to worry her, or be a burden. They would minimize their problems and say, “No need to worry about us. We are doing just fine!”  Soon a crisis came along, requiring a hospital stay and rehab after a fall.  Now, she calls her parents at least a few times a week and she has learned to ask more pressing questions.

Caring for your family is a team concept, so build a quality team.  For Cindy, this meant coordinating with her siblings, parent’s neighbors, and church friends, and determine who would call, visit, and who would check in on them.  Also, someone was needed to coordinate their legal paperwork.

It is important to match people to their talents, and understand that some will participate more diligently than others.  If a sibling lives far away, and is good exploring the internet, that person could conduct internet searches and pinpoint resources in your parent’s area.  They may also be able to find information on specific diagnosis from medical web sites.

If someone is talented with finances, they may be able to discuss with your parents about available assets, long term care needs, and assist them with bills. If your parents have used a CPA in the past, some services offer bill paying to keep the payments current and to ensure the proper amount is being paid.  Cindy discovered her mother frequently got checks sent back to her for overpayment issues.

If you are the only team member or you are overwhelmed with how to proceed, you may be able to find companies in your parent’s local area that will provide professional in home caregivers to help.

Understand that siblings will need to clarify boundaries with your parents early on.  Discuss how much can they afford to do?  How committed is each team member? Are you emotionally prepared to place your parents as the priority? Can you travel? How is your professional life going to be affected? How are your spouse and children going to feel?

Plan in advance on what has to be done to make an emergency visit.  Discuss this possibility with your boss and investigate travel options.  Lay out who and what you will need to have with you.  Cindy and her brother work for large corporations and have the benefit of the Family Medical Leave Act (FMLA).   However, you may not have this same benefit working for a small company.

As soon as possible, locate all of your parent’s important legal documents and gather in one place.  Make sure someone has permission to get financial and medical power of attorney.  Keep financial, medical, insurance, bank and military information at your fingertips.  Keep current on all parent medications with an updated list, including dosage, and check with the Doctor if you are concerned of excess medication. Once accomplished, added administrative tasks helping your parents will happen with greater ease.

Take a break

As with Cindy’s parents, one is healthier than the other, and her father has become the primary caregiver.  Cindy knows that it is essential for her Dad to get a break.  Cindy has hired a professional caregiver to come 4 hours a day to care for her Mom and let her Dad be able to play cards and golf with his friends. Cindy has decided to use Approved Home Care for caregivers since they are a licensed, insured, and bonded and have an excellent reputation.

As a long-distance caregiver, you can also help pay for respite care to offer relief for household help and then you can enjoy having fun with them when you arrive for a visit.